Exercise
by Lacuna Miyamoto
Summary: A justforfun, shonenai, oneshot, crack story that popped into my head one day. Kanda literally bursts into Allen's room while he's training one morning. destiny takes over from there. AllenxKanda


Exercise

Me so horny… Well, what do you expect? I'm a hormonal pubescent, people!

I own nothing but my soul

Kanda was on a rampage. He was very angry, hence his rampaging. Kumoi had just told him that he had to "visit" the bean sprout and "spend time with him" so that they'd "get along" in order for Kanda to stop lusting after being able to commit the "bloody infanticide (murder of a small child)" of his "partner". He walked down the grungy hallways until he found the door he was looking for.

A lopsided sign hanging of off a badly driven nail read: ALLEN WALKER. Eye twitching, Kanda flipped the sign over and pulled a black sharpie out of his pocket. Grumbling madly, the vengeful Japanese scribbled: BEAN SPROUT in large, violent strokes across Allen's door.

Finished, Kanda pulled himself upright and capped the marker. Dropping it into his pocket, Kanda reared up.

"BEAN SPROUT!" he bellowed, side kicking the door in. There was a loud crack and the door swung open, slamming into the wall.

Allen didn't appear to have heard him. Kanda stopped and stared. The Bean Sprout was doing push-ups on the thumb and forefinger of his left hand, balancing vertically on the corner of the back of the chair that was teetering dangerously on two legs.

"Kanda?" Allen blurted, just realizing the Japanese was there. He jumped away from the chair and caught it before it fell over. The white haired boy wasn't wearing a shirt, and he was drenched in sweat. Kanda didn't say anything as the door slammed closed behind him from the draft of the open window. Kanda's eye began convulsing. Allen looked horribly confused and tilted his head to the side.

A drip of sweat ran down the side of Allen's face and dripped onto his collar bone, where it slid down his fine chest. Kanda followed it with his eyes. The bead of sweat trailed down to Allen's belly button, where it stopped. Mentally swearing, Kanda found he couldn't move his eyes away. Allen shifted nervously.

"K-Kanda…? Why are you looking at me like that?" Allen stuttered.

"I'm not looking at you, Bean Sprout," Kanda denied.

"B-but…"

"I'M NOT LOOKING, GODDAMMIT!" Allen squeaked and jumped back. Uh-oh.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! There was another bead of sweat and Kanda felt himself magically drawn to it. It was so perfectly round and EVIL. That was one of the stupidest thoughts that had ever crossed his mind. Why the friggin' hell was the world so retarded?! The evil bead of sweat didn't stop at the Bean Sprout's navel—this one went all the way down to the rim of Allen's pants. Shit. Stupid evil sweat.

"Ka-Kanda?" Allen stuttered, not being in a very comfortable position after all. Kanda's teeth grinded together and his fists shook at his sides.

"Say one, ONE word, Bean Sprout, and you die. I will kill you and you will not live." Allen obeyed, shaking madly, but biting his lip to, well, survive.

"ALLEN?" River called, knocking at the door. Allen opened his mouth, but Kanda cut him off by grabbing his wrist and flinging him into the wardrobe on the other side of the room, kicking the door closed. Kanda grabbed the chair.

"Is every thing okay in here… Kanda?" River blinked. Kanda scowled deeper than he had been before.

"I was looking for Bean Sprout, but the idiot is gone." River blinked again.

"Oh. What was that slam?" he asked dully, flipping through some papers on his clipboard. Kanda rattled the chair, the two front legs clacking against the ground loudly.

"Chair fell over." He grunted.

Allen, meantime, was in the wardrobe in a very uncomfortable pose. His entire body was being forced onto his head, which was resting at a 90° angle. His arms and legs were wedged against the walls to keep him from falling over, and Timchampy was eating through the pocket of his Trench coat. Friggin' demonic moth.

Allen's face was screwed up into a look of confusion and concentration as he was forced to wunder, _why on earth would Kanda not want River to know that I'm here, why was he staring at my pants, and how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? _over and over again.

Finally, what seemed like a million and a half years, Kanda opened the door to the wardrobe and Allen tumbled out, lay there, and groaned. Kanda grabbed him by the back of the neck and hauled him to his feet. Allen's eyes began to water and there was a loud crack Allen was sure Kanda had broken his neck before he realized that hey, his neck didn't hurt anymore!

"I didn't know you knew acupressure." Allen stated. Kanda glared.

"I know how to squeeze people's necks until I hear a crack."

"Oh."

Allen stood there, blinking at Kanda rubbing his neck over and over again, to the point that it was totally unnecessary. Kanda twitched, because he found it totally irritating.

"Only I get to see you without your shirt on, Bean Sprout." Kanda stated. Allen paused and stared wide eyed at Kanda before a horrifically evil grin spread across his face. Kanda flinched on the inside. He'd never noticed before how evil Allen could make himself look when he really wanted to.

Kanda never bothered to wait and ponder what that look meant, he just spun on his heel marched to the door. Ripping it open, he made it over the thresh hold before Allen's Anti-Akuma arm dragged him back inside, slamming the door closed behind him.

Komui snickered as he tip-toed down the hall, gaining looks of mistrust and irritation from peeved overworked employees, who had to deal with this eccentric slack-off.

Reaching Allen's door, Kumoi pulled out a red sharpie and scribbled hearts all over Allen's door, while mumbling, "Oh, it's perfect, perfect, wonderful! Wah, ha, ha!" before breaking into song.

Kanda, not wearing a shirt, mind you, slammed the door open and kicked Komui in the face with one fluent motion.

"You are _ruining _our foreplay!" he seethed, glaring at Komui, "you are a monster and I hate you. This is your fault. Someday I will kill you!"

"KANDA, GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!" Allen ordered. Kanda looked over his shoulder before scowling back at Komui.

"…But I'll let you live as a… reward for your deeds. Don't take this personally because I'm killing you tomorrow." With that, Kanda slammed the door closed again.

Komui stared blankly at the door, before tears started filling his eyes.

"To think I would die so young…" he sobbed, curling into a little ball. There was a short period of sobbing that gave way to long period of silence. After a while, River walked past. After a couple of minutes, he walked backwards back down the hall and kicked Komui with his foot, seeing as both hands were loaded with books.

"Work." River grunted. He jumped back in surprise as Komui sprang up, almost uncurling in mid air.

"Time to find Linali a wife!" He hollered, as he zoomed away. River stared down the hall. After a long while a frown made his way across his face, turning quickly into a pout. Focusing his eyes on the ground, River mumbled to himself,

"Why is he always thinking about other people's relationships and not ours…?"

Awwww, don't you feel sorry for River?

A/N: Servus! Ah hah! I just felt like writing a short crack fic with SHONEN-AI, BABY! WHOOT! Hope you liked it! Okay, Tschüss! This was just something that popped into my head one day. Just for fun.


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